Leeches.

(This is Robin Leech, host of the once popular Lifestyles of the rich and famous. I am using his image instead of that of an actual leech because I am afraid the disgusting visage of a blood-sucking parasite might so repulse readers that they pass over this entry  ...and I feel like I have some pretty good stuff in this one. Certain celebrities might prefer the actual leech picture. )


How many times have you found yourself asking "how do I get all these leeches off of me?" Almost everyone I speak with acknowledges this problem, but further questioning reveals it to be more figurative than literal, reflecting one of the troubled interpersonal minglings of the human condition. In the jungles of New Guinea we should be so lucky. 


Most leeches live in still or slow-moving water. It is a quiet life with few demands to fill their days. With so much leisure one might expect these creatures to have developed some higher order of intellect, yet for all appearances there is one thought that plays over and over in the leeches brain; "I could really go for some blood right about now." The only other thought a leech has is "that'll do" upon spotting anything entering the water.  Leeches will bite slugs, reptiles, fur bearing animals, and of course people. So indiscriminate are leeches that scientists have recently begun sampling the blood DNA taken from leeches for evidence of rare or extinct species, including Big Foot. No longer need they set up trail cameras with motion sensors, Scientists have conscripted a legion of leeches as their squishy minions. 


This would be enough bad news for our expedition into New Guinea. We will wade daily through many streams. But New Guinea is one of the few places that is also home to terrestrial leeches; leeches that live on land, under leaves and in the trees. They rain down if you stand in one place for too long. They scrape off onto your pants as you pass through the brush. Once upon you, the leech then seeks out warm areas beneath the clothing, typically the ankles and arm pits. 


I think you see where we are headed next, and it would be easy to disparage the lowly leech. But he is as God made him, and closer examination may reveal the leech to not be the villain we think him. 
1. The leech attaches to the skin by way of suckers located at the mouth and tail. This creates a sound stable adhesion. The Engineers among us can certainly appreciate such solid structural site preparation. Absent the second sucker on the tail, a leech would flail about causing more damage, like a pitbull escaped from your neighbor's yard. Indeed, compared to pitbulls leeches are kindly and gentle. 
2.The leech injects a local anesthetic chemical before biting. Who else does this?! I've been bitten by hamsters, ponies, and a first grade classmate. None of them cared the least for my pain. 
3. The leech bites you (you knew this was coming) and injects an anticoagulant called Hirudin. This thins the blood and speeds up the process. Vampires skip this step. That is why Hollywood must use timelapse photography when filming a Vampire sucking the blood of his victim. It takes a really long time if the blood is still thick. Many Vampires become exhausted and have to nap. This is to say nothing of the victim, who is probably already late for the opera. So by thinning the blood a leech is in fact doing you a favor. You are welcome. He is saying "let's make this quick and painless and get you on your way." 
4. The leech fills his body with blood. Your blood. Enough to triple his size. I want to point out that he takes the bad with the good. There may be elements of your blood that include residuals of a mis-spent youth. They are now the leeches problem. In fact, I found one Physician who declared "Bloodletting clears the mind, strengthens the memory, cleanses the stomach, dries up the brain, warms the marrow, sharpens the hearing, stops tears, encourages discrimination, develops the senses, promotes digestions, produces a musical voice, dispels torpor, drives away anxiety, feeds the blood, rids it of poisonous matter, and brings long life." Yes, this was a 17th century Physician and medicine has progressed since time. But we should not be too quick to cast off the wisdom of the ages. Think about it. Who has not at one point thought "I wish there was some way to dry up my tears and brain"? Indeed, leeches were once as vital to medicine as the stethiscope. And their medicinal use continues today. Modern day doctors use leeches for treating abscesses, painful joints, glaucoma, myashenia, and to heal venous diseases and thrombosis. Medical leeches are used in plastic surgery, for improving brain circulation and for curing infertility. Imagine what this would cost at a clinic. Yet the humble leech performs it all gratis. Just wade through a jungle stream and start feeling fabulous!

In spite of the obvious benefits of having one's blood sucked by a leech, many Readers may choose to avoid this communion with nature. For them I offer the following commonly prescribed methods of prevention.
1. Tobacco Socks. One should soak his trekking socks in a slurry of tobacco juice, then allow them to dry. Leeches will become sick when their porus bodies come into contact with the residue. They soon drop to the ground and file suit against Phillip Morris.
This prevention works reasonably well for trail trekkers, but is of no value in our expedition owing to the many stream crossings we will wade.
2. Soap. It is claimed that leeches are repelled by contact with socks or boots rubbed well with a bar of soap. The success of this is oft refuted in the internet articles I have found where the author is pictured with blood flowing freely down his shins.
This too will not work for us as many watery plunges will surely rinse away the soap.
3. Lady Socks. In the pigeon english of Indonesia Panty Hose are known as "Lady Socks." The theory here is that nylons, warn next to the skin, make it impossible for the leech to form a seal. He becomes frustrated and drops off, seeking a tobacco sock to calm his nerves.
I am considering this approach and regard myself as confident in my masculinity. But I do wish I could get that Lou Reed song out of my head.
4. Leech Waders. This plastic sock is warn between the foot and wool sock. It fastens just below the knee. Hopeful leeches search ever lower for bare flesh until they are squashed beneath the feet of the Trekker, thusly becoming part of his boots. However, some leeches search high, venturing well above the knee. Nothing good can come of this.
While this may work for short treks, the long days we will put in promise to generate a lot of sweat. That moisture would accumulate within the vapor barrier formed by the plastic wader, causing a host of other problems.
5. Sound Aversion. The same keen sense of vibration that allows a leech to sense your approach can be turned against him . The right combination of chords and lyrics has been proven to make leeches turn on themselves. Such auditory poison is readily found in the classic rock song Knights in white satin by the Moody Blues.
We will pass on this strategy as it holds the potential to be more toxic to humans than leeches.

In the likely event these methods fail and one finds a leech attached to his person there are various means of removal to consider.
1. Do nothing. The amount of blood taken by a leech is inconsequential to a human. The leech will drop off of his own accord when done feeding. Leeches are not poisonous and do not carry disease. That said, I cannot imagine anyone actually doing this.
2. Scream and rip the leech off with your bare hand. This is the best way to end up with a permanent scar. Not given the opportunity to properly release, the leech will probably take some skin with him. He does not mean to. He has no use for it. It was all just a failure to communicate.
3. Inflict pain upon the leech. Many treatments fall under this category; a lit match or cigarette, alcohol, bug repellant, hot water, Fox News. They all succeed in persuading the leech to release quickly, but they also induce such panic that the leech regurgitates its meal back into the wound, virtually assuring infection.
4. The slow scrape. Most field experts recommend removing a leech by using the edge of a knife or fingernail to slowly break the seal around the leeches mouth. Then the rear suction cup can be scrapped free quickly, allowing the leech to drop to the ground where proper retribution is exacted at the heal of a boot.